Excerpt - 4/7/09

Back from hiatus. Bad things happened. My dog was killed and my house is falling apart. Below is an excerpt from my personal journal, and I felt somehow inclined to share it with whomever would like to read it.

12:10 AM 7 April, 2009

Detroit. An outskirt town named Livonia. I made my way here, and have had all evening to think. While I'm away, this type of thinking often leads to one of two emotions: anger or depression. Ashley and I just spent two hours on the phone; and with a simple question she pushed through skin, flesh, vital organ, and into synapse to spark response. She asked if I ever wondered if I was clinically depressed. I had no real answer, but my guts were filled with question marks.

Catch-22. Everyone wants me to speak up, to say more of what I feel rather than swallow it. But they think that I have a horrible and unpredictable temper as it is. What would happen if I were to let these vampire bats out of my chest? I wouldn't be very likable. I couldn't keep the peace when and where it was needed. Instead, I would be an inferno destined and determined to consume.

So why do I feel down perhaps more often than I should? If you've read anything I've ever written, you may have some insight. Furthermore, I believe an equal source of sorrow and/or uncertainty is wisdom. Certain facts cannot be disputed: I have seen and experienced more than most Ordinaries. I've also spent more time thinking, interpreting, and attempting to predict the possible outcomes of nearly any logical situation than would many. And, conversely, I understand that others have accomplished much more than have I.

Using what little or extensive knowledge I possess, I taste the world around me which has been created by my peers. My veteran status and, thus, my patriotic foundation are my taste buds. I see my government becoming tyrannical, violating this country's founding documents. The taste is bitter. I see Americans, pseudo-Americans, and people of illegal occupancy standing silent with their hands out - palms up. The taste grows bitterer. I see propaganda spreading from media sources, hear reports of increasing financial failure. International relations become strained. Leaders use misdirection and disinformation to steer and manipulate their people in the direction of an agenda - one which offers no salvation or guaranty to the very people who support it. A dark cloak of control slips over the face of what was created to be free. The taste is foul and overwhelming. It's a saturating, sobering reality.

This has a lot to do with my demons, my unrest. As once written by George Orwell, "If there is hope it lies in the proles...Until they become conscious they will never rebel, and until after they have rebelled they cannot become conscious." Through use of what little wisdom I possess, I am uncertain of the future. I know what I want from it and I will continue to strive for a good, happy life. But we all need to wake up and take the reins of this runaway carriage.


As always, if you have comments or criticisms, I would be honored to discuss them with you. Not tonight, though, because it's past my bedtime.